Letters From A Nut

Okay, so the title of this blog has been recycled from a crappy humor book; I'll concede that. However, as many of you may know, I send about a letter in every week to my hometown newspaper, who, in their infinite wisdom, usually print them out, laugh at them, and then decide to either use the paper to train their six-week old puppy or write down the motel number where their mistress is staying.

So, here's the latest, unpublished letter, that I wrote to the Courier & Press. If it was worthy of printing, please feel free to email that newspaper at letters@courierpress.com and tell them, "In every city, there's a fool to pity, and you're Evansville's fool." Sorry, I'm a Mr. T fan.

If it sucks, please feel free to post on this blog, "Worst writing ever." At least, the image of Comic Book Man will take the negative sting of seeing a negative comment posted. Here's the letter:


To The Editor:

For the past couple of weeks, the opinion pages of the Courier & Press appear to be moving so far to the right of the ideological spectrum that one must ponder whether or not Genghis Khan has been appointed to the editorial review board.

In the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings, the Courier & Press chose to continually print letters that insisted that the answer to school violence was to arm students and faculty, as though the person screening the letters had a fetish for the film Red Dawn. Yet, no one in this community asked why someone the state tried to commit for being kookoo for Cocoa Puffs had access to firearms in the first place.

Now, the Courier & Press prints letters that insists that the entire argument against the Iraq war is tantamount to shouting, "liar, liar, pants on fire," at President Bush. Yet, here's the Administration's top ten cliches:

10. Oil will pay for reconstruction.
9. We will be greeted as liberators.
7. Mission Accomplished.
6. Insurgency in its last throes.
5. Weapons of Mass Destruction.
4. Fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.
3. So democracy will spread throughout the Middle East.
2. Bring Them On.
1. Valerie Plame.

My mother always told me that one should always tell the truth, and the truth when evaluating this list is that this Administration walks like a duck and talks like a duck. So, in this case, that makes President Bush either a liar, an idiot, or a combination of the two.

While it shall be easy to criticize someone for saying this about their President, feel free to search the Courier & Press at your public library for the letter written by yours truly describing the need for containment in Iraq, as an invasion would unnecessarily tie down our forces, which may be more urgently needed in Iran or North Korea. Then, take bets on who has a higher IQ.


Don't forget to voice your opinion. It's like American Idol without the $300 phone bill.