All I Want For Christmas

With the Holiday season well underway, Americans will get doused with tons of college football, more weight loss plans that Rosie O'Donnel has made apologies, and tons of gifts under the Christmas tree.

Of course, once one is done wading through the pounds of torn wrapping paper, the same old problems will be there, predominately our culture of losing. That's right, we, as Americans are losers.

It maybe easy for most to dismiss this claim, but just look at the college football you'll be watching over the holidays. Oregon, Arizona State, Florida State, Alabama, South Carolina, Minnesota, Iowa, and Miami all have losing Conference records, and you're going to be watching them on television over the holidays.

Then, of course, comes the time for the New Year's resolution. Someone in your family will get the gym membership, the Richard Simmons tapes, and a box of Slim Fast, but come January 2, the gym's a novelty, Richard Simmons will be too gay to dance to, and the Slim Fast will develop a chalky taste.

With the holidays having past, we, as Americans can get back to doing what we do best----sending NBA players to the Olympics only to be beaten by Brazil. Of course, they've already beaten us to the race for energy independence, so why not add basketball.

That's not the only thing we'll be losing at. Iraq's going to contiune going south of the border, which, of course, brings everyone to Taco Bell. When our country's fast food establishments makes Jonestown look like a Boy Scout Jamboree, we're in trouble. Then, again, not even the Boy Scouts could hold a jamboree without the theme music from Platoon.

Naturally, our answer to this problem is find blame, which, we, as Americans do by blindfolding ourselves and swinging baseball bats at pinattas, and of course, we wildly miss. We miss because the problem is not other people; the problem is ourselves.

That's right, look in the mirror. We care more about the Lewinsky dress than the Social Security problem and re-elect the same retards despite the fact everyone knows they're are retard. For proof, please see the re-election of President Bush.

So, please, do not get me anything tangible for Christmas. I'd rather see the culture of losing go down faster than Rex Grossman can throw an interception. So, as a Christmas present to me, please, I beg you, resist the cover of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in the supermarket aisle. You'll be doing not only me a favor, but your brain will thank you as well.